Tom Wilson USA ...Large man, good blog

Corn!

2011-08-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Philadelphia, and the AAA baseball game between the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, and the Buffalo Bison at Coca-Cola park. Coke is, as you know, the real thing. Coke adds life. Coke...well, I don't know what their latest world refreshment domination PR line is, but cold Coke at a baseball game is good. Hey, the Iron Pigs lost the game, but any park named after Coke, and serving freshly shucked corn on the cob is way closer to heaven than that place in Iowa where you talk to Ray Liotta and have a catch with your Dad. I never had a catch with my Dad, but we still got along well. He was raised in an orphanage during the depression, so he didn't have things like baseball mitts or, for example, food. So, here's to celebrating my own gluttony by using my Dad's poverty in the 1930's as an excuse. That one's for you, Dad!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Bob and Tom!

2011-07-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

I was back on the Bob and Tom show, and everyone was fun and kind as usual. I got to experience what few artists experience - the thrill of opening the men's room door and finding their artwork behind the toilet. Can Van Gogh say that? If he could, would he? No and no. Case closed. Thanks, guys!

2010-10-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

Knoxville! from Tom Wilson on Vimeo.

I went to Knoxville. In Latin, "place of Knox." Boomershine!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Voice Over!

2010-08-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Tom Wilson - Voice Over from Tom Wilson on Vimeo.

More Wilson World adventures, featuring Ted Ericksson.

Mazie

2010-07-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

A new painting of a capable, beautiful young lady.

New York City

2010-05-18T14:55:00.001-07:00

New York City from Tom Wilson on Vimeo.

Cincinnati and Chicago!

2010-04-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

Cincinnati and Chicago from Tom Wilson on Vimeo.

Philadelphia!

2010-03-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

Tom Wilson - Philadelphia from Tom Wilson on Vimeo.

I had a great time in my hometown!

Lexington!

2010-03-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

Lexington, Kentucky from Tom Wilson on Vimeo.

Thanks to everybody in Kentucky!

Irvine!

2009-12-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

...aaaaaand SCENE. The shows of 2009 ended with a bang at the Irvine Improv, where everybody had a great time between buying gift cards and chocolate. Thanks to everybody who came to the shows, including old friends and new. Many people, even some of Cowboy Tommy's Saddle Pals, came for the umpteenth time to a show and I appreciate the laughter, good cheer, and support more than I can say. My old comedy buddies Steve Oedekerk and Jim Hope came out to see me, as well as the undisputed king of Laguna Beach, Greg Carpenter, who runs Boopsie dot com, the future of technology as we all know it. I can't explain how it's the future, but that's what he told me, so we'll go with that, since I can barely make a cel phone call.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

The Revelationary War

2009-12-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Louisville, Kentucky, where my hotel was at the very corner where the Trappist monk and prolific writer Thomas Merton was seized by a spiritual revelation, filling him with a profound love for every human being, as well as a sense of the vital importance of love and care for all people. There was an angry homeless guy leaning against the sign for support, yelling unintelligible things unrelated to Thomas Merton, but probably concerning issues of social justice. I would have stayed longer, but there's no stopping.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

No people like show people

2009-10-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

I just filmed an episode of the HBO show "Big Love," and had fun with Bill Paxton, as he told me many stories of his past, including sneaking onto a set to watch me shoot a scene many years ago, and I drove from there to The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, my favorite place on earth, filled with my favorite people. Larry Miller was working in the show with me, and Garry Shandling was getting a ream of new jokes ready for upcoming T.V appearances. My friends, the talented comedians Brian McKim and Traci Skene were there, as well as Brian Gillis, the world's greatest magician, and a young lady named Lindsay who did a silent and theatrical juggling act that brought the house down. It was a beehive of show biz activity with people going on and coming offstage, and Larry Miller, overtaken by the wonderful energy of it all, just leaned back in his chair, smiled and said "By God, this is cool."

I couldn't agree more, Larry.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

The Living Desert

2009-09-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Tucson, Arizona isn't supposed to be a great city, because I went to Arizona State and we're supposed to hate each other and denigrate each other's towns, because, after all, isn't that what rival schools do to each other everywhere? But I spent the weekend in Tucson and had a wonderful time with friends, watching the brilliant sunlight play on the cliffs of the Catalina Mountains, and listening to the incredible silence of the desert there. I performed a benefit show for the Tucson Dance Foundation, and it was lots of fun, as I tried to begin one of those "Sound Of Music" YouTube videos with a group of lizards and javelina. Thanks to my beautiful friends in the desert, and I look forward to visiting again, after a period of hydration and lip balming.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Dallas!

2009-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

The Addison Improv was great last weekend, with fun shows as I did my part to welcome the new football stadium to the great Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex, where crowds of zombies surrounded the white monolith, mumbling "Screens! Larger screens! Who needs to see live action when we have giant screens?!!" And, if the first game is any indication, the Cowboys are going to try to outlaw punting in the NFL, since it gets in the way of commercials. Thanks to the great people at the Improv there, and my friends out at St. Joe's, where we had a nice Sunday worshipping God. No, not the new stadium, I mean the other God.

Rock and Relient K

2009-05-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Back from Kansas City, where the shows were great, and the camera went missing, so I'm using Mac's photobooth for pics now. We heard, saw, hung with, and wonderfully experienced the band Relient K last night in a hot, thumping club in Pomona, California. The music was fantastic, the guys were superb as always, and we even had some good barbecue before the show. Yes, I had to come back from KC to Pomona for some barbecue. After some BBQ and rockin', I'm headed to Calgary, Canada, to perform for a large group of Canadians in the town where I once performed a rock version of "Home On The Range" for a giant crowd of cowboys at the Calgary Stampede rodeo.

No kidding, I have had quite an adventure.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Comedians

2009-05-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Most comedy clubs across the country are lined with old headshots of comedians who've performed there over the years, an increasingly humiliating collection of youth and foolishness. There is a grinning, over-eager shot of me in the entryway of the Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood that people still guffaw over, making sure to mention it the next time they see me. "What were you...thirteen years old?!" Yes, I was, thirteen. And a bad person with a gun forced me to wear that shirt, too.

I stopped in my tracks when I came upon the two guys above. Yes, that's Bill Hicks, and he's wearing a "Member's Only" jacket. Sorry, "trenchcoat mafia," Bill owned that jacket and wore it, before he took up chain smoking and speaking truth to power. In nightclubs where he got paid. Bill was a friend of mine a long time ago, and he's no longer here. Steve Oedekerk is here, though, and making many, many movies. I actually took that photograph of Steve, back when nobody had the money to pay photographers for pictures of themselves. We took it in my yard.

Just a little cloud of memories, as I stare at the wall between shows.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Arizona!

2009-04-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

I went to Tempe, Arizona recently to perform for the Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communications at Arizona State University. We had a great time there, and it was interesting that a school of mass communications couldn't find a microphone stand for me to use! My friend "Jonny Cool Rag" and I hopped over to Scottsdale to check out what's happening in the art galleries there. We were speaking passionately about a large painting, when a woman walked up to us. "You don't like art!" she blurted, without ever having met us, "You look like two construction workers! Macho guys don't like art!"

Okay, lady. You know, we were treated more nicely in Quartzite, Arizona, in the middle of the desert, where we saw a shrunken head from 1906. Trust me, the shrunken head was a lot better than most of the paintings.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Blue Boy, Zuma Beach

2009-04-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

This painting is 30 x 40, a big challenge. Oddly, a human being is the hardest subject for a painting, since a half inch mistake wrecks the whole thing. As the master painter John Singer Sargent said; "A portrait is a picture where there's something wrong with the mouth." Well, there is plenty about this painting that could be improved, but it's a boy with his boogieboard at the Pacific Ocean, and it doesn't get much better than that. Cowabunga, dude.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Sister Corita!

2009-03-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sister Corita Kent was a Nun in California in the sixties, and I was a boy in Catholic school in Philadelphia in the sixties, so I experienced the passion, and vibrancy, and color, and innovation of that time while wearing a suit and tie, taught by young Nuns, many of whom were exploding with the thrill and wonder of the kind of work that Sister Corita was creating - color splashed posters with lots of poetry and flower power. I saw an exhibition of Sister Corita's work yesterday and was transported back to that time, when Op art and Pop art and poetry were presented to kids as a completely rational and beautiful reaction to a time of great upheaval and fear. I'm really glad that in the fourth grade Sister Ruth had us making colorful collages about war, and joy, and Warhol soup cans, and I'm proud of the day that my grandfather put Pop art daisy stickers on the back of his car.

Thanks, Sister Corita,

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Pretty Good Morning, America

2009-02-24T15:32:00.000-08:00

Just back from New York City, where I appeared on "averyspecial" Oscar weekend Good Morning America. When I'm on shows, I like them to be promoted as "averyspecial" whatever. (deep announcer voice) "Next...on averyspecial Blossom..." The crew on GMA were nice, and the view from the studio windows is incredible! Million square foot flashing billboards, and crazy people mumbling to themselves! Times Square has come so far from the pit of vice and degradation it was when I lived there. Okay, just kidding, it's the same.

The same retail experience, too! The mumbling, apathetic girl at Modell's sporting goods made no eye contact and threw my bag of overpriced junk back at me without taking off the anti-theft device, so I had to damage the shirt back here in California. Thanks Radyka! Thanks Modell's!

I did take a walk up to the Upper West Side, and my old neighborhood. The pizza place is gone now, but they're still calling it 74th Street, so some things never change.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Notes on America

2009-01-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

Good news, my friends! My daughter is taking AP U.S. history in an academically challenging high school, where the teacher allows ONE index card to be used for notes, and prohibits the use of a magnifying glass. This is the card that our in-house genius wrote for herself. It's even color coded with tiny highlights. She will certainly get an "A," but the really good news is...I don't have to take a history final and make notes like that! Isn't that great?! Never again in my life! For example - if a history teacher asked me what events precluded Washington's attack at Trenton, I could just say "Would you like a Popsicle?" Yeah! That's good news.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Edmonton!

2008-12-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada is north of an imaginary line, above which human beings should not live. I worked there the week before Christmas, at the largest mall in the world, trying to find an empty table at the world's busiest food court, and telling jokes to Christmas parties full of festive nice people celebrating Christmastime, and drunken morons celebrating the ice road truckers that drove the booze up that far. The photo above isn't noteworthy except for the guys ahead of me. Folks, it was 37 below zero. Those guys were not dressed for the weather. A hoodie and a T-shirt? Wow. After taking this photo I ran into the "Fantasy Grill" and fantasized that I was eating in a city that was warm.

Relient K!

2008-12-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

What a blast I had on The Tonight Show with the band Relient K the other night - replaying this Christmas night, so check it out! - They emailed me and invited me to play with them on Jay's show, and it was one of the highlights of my life as a performer. We got to the studio early to rehearse, and it was great to have lunch with a bunch of great guys who are tremendous musicians, and I was thrilled just to be able to keep up with them on the guitar. I'm getting emails from all over asking if that was me playing with Relient K from confused people who don't really get it. Well, I get it, Relient K gets it, and a very Merry Christmas to everyone!

Brotherly Love

2008-12-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

Just back from Philadelphia, home of the world champion Phillies, the American flag, and lots of people who came to my shows last weekend at the Helium Club. It's always fun to perform in Philadelphia, and before the shows I always take a walk downtown and reminisce through the mist of memory and subway grates. That building is the Union League, on Broad Street, where my Dad used to take my brothers and I to Father-Son dinners a long, long time ago. I met Daniel Moynihan there when he was the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, before becoming the Democratic senator from New York who championed Democratic ideas like the partial privatization of Social Security, and the illegalization of partial birth abortion. Huh? Yeah, that's him. They also had a dinner there with "Big Daddy" Don Garlits, the drag racer, who gave us drag racing Hot Wheels cars. "Big Daddy" made a bigger splash than ambassador Moynihan, but still, it was a great evening with Dad, wearing a suit and tie and pretending I was going to be going to the University of Pennsylvania to study something where you eventually wear a suit and tie all the time.

That plan didn't work out.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Thanks.

2008-12-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

The objects above are candied yams. The goo between them is made of brown sugar and butter. This is one of the great contributions made by the early settlers to this country - the knowledge that butter and brown sugar make things better, no matter what we're talking about. Potatoes? Yes. Makes them better. Pancakes? Yes. Makes them better. Car trouble? Try a mouthful of these candied yams and you'll forget you have a car. I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful, and your insulin levels are returning to normal.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Omaha, Nebraska!

2008-11-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

I had a great time in Omaha, performing shows to people as they peeled yams and stewed cranberries to get ready for Thanksgiving, occasionally looking up to smile approvingly and chuckle near the pile of corn husks. I did lots of interviews on Omaha radio stations, but had the best time on the "Todd and Tyler" show, telling stories and having fun. I told a story about Tony Danza punching a guy at the Comedy Store in Hollywood a long time ago, and they got Tony Danza on the phone to confirm it. Apparently, Tony was carousing a bit back then, and the faces and places of punched guys have blended into a collage of wonderful memories for him. I was able to confirm it for him, because I was there. "Who's the Boss?" You, Tony. You're the boss. Anybody who goes from punching guys in nightclubs to hosting a daytime talk show where you tap dance and play the trumpet really badly deserves a lot of respect. Way to go!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Columbus, Ohio!

2008-11-13T09:11:00.001-08:00

Columbus is a great town, and some people even wear clothing that isn't red with an Ohio State logo on it. Not many, though. The shows were terrific, all sellouts, so thanks to everybody who came out, and special thanks to everybody who kept yelling "O-H!" at me. I didn't know what it meant, maybe Ohio hecklers like to spell things out or something. Then some waitresses told me that when people yell "O-H!" I'm supposed to yell back "I-O!" Out there it takes two people to spell Ohio. And then you do it over and over until somebody gives you beer or something. They should start that thing in Pennsylvania. The next time I'm back there, I'm going to keep yelling "P-E!" just to see if anybody answers "N-N-S-Y-L-V-A-N-I-A!! Whoo!"

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Go Phillies!

2008-10-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

I flew out of Philadelphia International airport today, only a few hours before the Phillies won the World Series and the place went berserk. I lived in Philadelphia in 1980 when the Phillies last won the Series, and late that night so long ago, a group of friends walked downtown to witness the Championship frenzy, including a bunch of happy anarchists who overturned the big truck delivering newspapers, creating an improvised ticker-tape parade of newsprint flying through the brisk October air. In honor of that night, and in preparation for this one, before I flew out today I went out with my brother to turn over some police cars and throw beer bottles into groups of unsuspecting pedestrians. Whoo!! Go Phillies! Mike Schmidt! Larry Bowa! Steve Carlton! Ryan Howard! Brad Lidge! Johnny Callison! Cookie Rojas! Okay, I don't think those last two guys won a series, but they were Phillies, so go them!!!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Avant-Bored

2008-10-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

I went to an art show recently, and this was the star of the show, under spotlights and on a pedestal in the center of the room. A wheelchair that's actually a bed of nails, with a blood red cross in the middle of it. Get it? Wheelchair? Nails? Cross? The funny thing is that some young artist actually thinks it's a statement, and not the echo of ten thousand other boring art pieces that use Christian imagery as a punching bag for the unimaginative. Oh, if only one of these sad clowns could paint, or draw, or play the kazoo, or come up with an original idea...

Phoenix!

2008-10-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

What an interesting time I had in Phoenix! I went to a coffee house concert, and watched some singer/songwriters angrily wail about America, and pain, and the horrible people in America who cause all the pain (none of them were in the room, I guess they were talking about "other" people). They were bathed clean, with fresh clothing and guitars that cost them - or the parents they ridicule in their songs - a couple of thousand dollars, while behind them were some paintings that condensed the evening more than any song about how messed up their family is, or America. A child, snide and petulant with a crash helmet, next to the only hope we seem to have - a colorful, yet phony superhero.

I'm working on my singer/songwriter album right now. "The Mirror Into Which I Look" is what I'm thinking about calling it. I'll take the cover photo as soon as I can find some good train tracks near my house. Some songs I'm really excited about:

1) Thanks for the guitar, Dad, you capitalist pig

2) There is no "I" in team, so I'm not on one

3) Blah Blah Blah, when do I get to talk?

4) Sunshine on my shoulders makes my black leather jacket hot

5) Aren't they stupid? (not us)

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Dallas!

2008-10-07T11:31:00.001-07:00

I had a great time at the Improv last week, and took this photo of a grandpa showing his little boy some shiny cars in a restaurant parking lot. My grandpa had a shiny car, an old Cadillac that he polished to a perfect sheen, using Q-tips for the difficult edges and chrome. He was quite a character. An early memory I have is when our next door neighbor put a fence around his yard and I put my foot on it. The guy told me to get off his fence, and my grandfather stepped over the fence, took out a huge wad of cash and waved it in his face, swearing that if he ever talked to his grandson like that again he was going to put him in the hospital and pay the bill.

Hooray for grandfathers! And one day maybe we'll have universal health care, so we can punch jerks in the face without worrying about hospital bills!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Sad Clown

2008-09-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

This sad clown painting is clearly depicting a sad clown/bodybuilder who is sad that the circus announced random drug testing for steroids. Check out those shoulders! The "sad clown" is as tired a theme as there is, and comedians are always asked questions based on the assumption that they must be insane and filled with stifled anguish to want to get onstage and make people laugh. After all, to do that you must be crazy and sad, right?

I'm going to start a series of paintings featuring happy accountants.

Third Day!

2008-09-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

I met the members of the band "Third Day" a while ago, and they're great guys who've always given us a warm welcome to their fabulous shows. Last night we went to see them in a giant amphitheater, along with Switchfoot, Jars of Clay, and the incredible Robert Randolph and his Family Band. It was an amazing concert, and we had a great time, singing and dancing and adjusting our protective earplugs, since we were in the tenth row and every beat of the drum actually felt like a CPR heart massage.

Thanks to Dave, Nathan, Mac, and all the really fabulous guys from Third Day for wonderful night, and if you haven't heard of him, go find Robert Randolph and His Family Band on itunes. Whoop-dee-do that's good stuff.

Song of the Lark

2008-09-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

This painting, "The Song of the Lark" is so beautiful that the great novelist Willa Cather wrote a book inspired by this farm girl singing a song at sunset. It hangs in a little corner of the museum, dwarfed by giant paintings of mythic figures and rich snobs, quietly supreme in its peaceful subtlety. Of course, if this farm girl lived today, her friends would convince her to wear a glittery halter top and audition for 'American Idol."

Maybe it's better to stand in a field and sing a song to yourself as a bird flies overhead at sunset.

Paintings matter

2008-09-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

More from the Art Institute of Chicago. In the middle of so many old portraits of "Commander Josiah Smithensmythe and his dog," was a gorgeous painting called "The Captive Slave." Painted in 1827, the colors remain vibrant, and the subject remains anguished. Only paintings can do that bit of breathtaking magic - take us back for a moment to 1827 and into the mind of the man who sat to have this painting made. There were far more people gazing thoughtfully into this man's haunted face than any other expensive portrait of another snob with his children and gloves.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Summer requiem

2008-08-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

I just finished an episode of "Ghost Whisperer" as a fireman delivering a eulogy at a funeral, and boy is my ectoplasm emitting an aura calling out to be led to the light by the very photogenic. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. Off the plane from Chicago and onto the set, I ran out to Malibu at sunset to meet my boogie-boarding family and bid adieu to a beautiful summer. Lots of travel and many hot shows, but we had a great time, and I look forward to many more amidst chilly winds and afternoon football games, until we start eating candy corn and that radio station finally goes to "All Christmas Music ALL THE TIME!"

Okay, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Chicago!

2008-08-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Chicago, where the weather was hot, but a wet heat, so you hardly feel it. The shows were steamy and great, but the highlight of the trip was my visit to the Art Institute of Chicago, where I ogled hundreds and hundreds of masterpieces, thrilled to see so many historic works of art I'd previously only seen in books. After an afternoon at the museum I did what I always do when the press interviews are finished and I have a couple of hours before showtime - I find a local restaurant and eat very much like the man above, from the Edward Hopper painting "Nighthawks."

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Dodgervision

2008-08-15T14:07:00.001-07:00

We went to see the Dodgers play the Phillies, and after an inning and a half the Dodgers were losing six to one. That's when you do things like eat hot dogs and take photos of the field through the wrong end of the binoculars. As you can see in the photo, Manny Ramirez is in left field. The Dodgers then fought their way back and won it with a game winning home run by soccer Olympian Mia Hamm's husband. (I'm trying to keep the Olympic spirit going) Go USA! Go Olympics! Go fair judging!

Note to Michael Phelps: Mark Spitz did it with a 'stache. And a cool "Stars and Stripes" Speedo, which everyone bought immediately, including me, to swim way faster at the Upper Main Line YMCA pool. In the water, I am a graceful bolt of lightning.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Gentle reminder

2008-08-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

My daughter teaches autistic teenagers, and had a "talent night" recently, where there was reading, and singing, and all sorts of joyful stuff. I read the banner on the classroom wall and thought about how many adults out there need to read it and calm down.

...Including me.

People. We are well balanced individuals. Take it easy.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

They're Fuschia

2008-08-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

The scene: Denver Airport Croc store.

Tom: Do you have these in Men's XXL?

Lady: (six second pause) ...pink?

Tom: It's fuschia. That's what the tag says.

Lady: You want pink?

Tom: Fuschia. Do you have them in Men's XXL?

Lady: (four second pause) Let me look.

She did. As my daughter said - "You're the only guy I know who can pull off pink Crocs."

I love them. You got a problem with that? I didn't think so.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Des Moines, Iowa!

2008-07-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

Iowa offers so much to the curious traveler: Sweet corn, a brand new shopping mall, and tornado warnings as weather races across the country faster than you can say "Corn and a mall?"

I had a great week in Des Moines, and thanks to everyone who made it great. Here's Iowa in a nutshell: I was a guest on KGGO radio two mornings in a row, and told them that I had never had Iowa sweet corn on the cob. Heather from the station came out to the club on Saturday night to bring me six ears of corn, cooked to perfection, just to make sure I tasted the best corn on earth. Iowa corn. I ate three ears of delicious corn, and put the rest in my back pocket to hand out during my show, not realizing how uncomfortable it is to hold three hot ears of corn in your back pocket while doing a show. I brought out the corn later in the show expecting a surprised laugh, and only got smiles of recognition. Of course! Who doesn't go around with a few hot ears of corn in their back pocket? It's Iowa!

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Discount!

2008-07-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

"Mom? Mom, are you awake? This is Chico, Mom. He's going to be caring for you! Oh, those guys? Those are Chico's homeboys. They heard you had digital cable! Mom, do you still have that coupon? You know, that coupon for the two-for-one sponge bath? Where's the coupon, Mom? And where's the remote? The homeboys want to watch "Ultimate Fighting!" Mom? Mom?!"

Ocean City, New Jersey

2008-07-15T15:29:00.001-07:00

We went into this place for some food, but there was too much trash on the floor, so we left.

Okay, I tried that lame joke with my family on the boardwalk. Score: one laugh, two groans, and the rest ignored me and kept walking toward the rides.

Comedy. Some fly, some die.

Valley Forge, Pennsylvania

2008-07-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Back from a week in my hometown, the cradle of liberty and home of cheesesteaks, the Phillies, and Jack Klugman. Is that a trifecta of winners or what? It was a fabulous week, with a tough Phillies loss to the Mets at the stadium that overlooks New Jersey, a family meal in the middle of the Reading Terminal market downtown, and many drives through the golden fields of Valley Forge National Park, where deer and foxes roam amidst the hiking scouts, and statues of George Washington outnumber mountain bikers with those water bottle backpacks that make it look like they have a straw sticking out of their neck.

I grew up in a beautiful part of the country, and it's always nice to be reminded of it, as corn grows "knee high by the fourth of july" out on Amish farms worked by teams of horses, and you're still a couple of hours away from Ocean City, New Jersey, where we ate waffles and ice cream in a warm summer rain.

Happy summer to you, the Amish, and Jack Klugman.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Fort Lauderdale!

2008-07-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Just back from the Seminole Hard Rock Casino Improv, where the shows were great, and I spent my free time trying to figure out exactly which culture the casino hotel was embracing, the casino culture with old people chain smoking in front of slot machines, the Seminole culture with a native American museum featuring alligator wrestling, or the Hard Rock culture with a pair of drumsticks used by Starland Vocal Band for the song "Afternoon Delight" hanging on the wall. A strange merchandising melting pot, with blackjack tables, a Jamaican steel drum band, and lots and lots of people tooling around in electric scooters. My hotel room was decorated with a giant black and white photo of Elton John dressed as a sequined Statue of Liberty. I wish that was a joke. I ate a chicken caesar salad under a framed pair of wristbands worn by some guy in Whitesnake. I wish that was a joke. I met a young lady on leave from Iraq who told me that the press is ignoring the unbelievable work that the men and women of the Armed Forces of the United States are doing for the people there, and how proud she is of that work, and how she's going back in a week or so to finish her tour. She came to the show, I pointed her out in the audience, and she got a long, cheering standing ovation from the crowd at the Improv. That's no joke.

Happy fourth of July.

The Tribe of Cleveland

2008-06-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

Just back from Cleveland, where pitcher C.C. Sabbathia beat future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux right before my eyes, as the Indians beat the Padres 7-3 on Father's Day. They don't call the stadium in Cleveland "The Jake" anymore, since corporations can now buy the names to things and make everyone say the corporation's name over and over. And as everybody knows, if you see a company's name over and over, you'll probably get hypnotized and buy their stuff. Sometimes, before I go to the mall, I just watch some NASCAR for shopping ideas. "mustbuyenergydrinks, mustbuyenergydrinks,

mustbuyshaniatwainalbums, mustbuychewingtobacco...."

I'm glad L.A. is sticking with "Dodger Stadium," since "Welcome to Danny Bonaduce field at Indiana Jones and the Quartz Armadillo coming soon to a theatre near you stadium!" would be a real pain for the public address announcer.

Thanks to everybody in Cleveland, and congratulations on deciding on the new official city flower - the orange cones that are strewn all over downtown! And thanks to Robin Swoboda, the greatest morning show hostess in the English speaking world. She interviewed me on her morning T.V. show, and we had a lot of fun. The segment right after mine featured "Mr. Hot Dog," who demonstrated all the various ways of preparing a gourmet hot dog. His ideas included:

1) mustard (apparently there are different varieties)

2) relish (apparently there are different varieties)

3) sauerkraut (apparently there is one variety)

And that was it. I jumped on camera as "Sargeant Sausage," and spiced up the segment with improvised hot dog humor. I await my Emmy nomination.

Mom liked him best

2008-06-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm finishing up the filming of "The Informant," and it's been terrific acting with Matt Damon - a great, funny guy and a tremendous actor - and an amazing cast, with the highlight for me being spending a day with Tom Smothers. We talked show biz, and guitars, and all sorts of things as I tried to keep from giggling like a fourth grader. "I'm talking with Tom Smothers!! Whoo!!" Tom was such a gracious person, and an incurable showman. At the end of lunch, there were a hundred or so background artists finishing their meal, and all Tom saw was a willing audience. He put on a show, telling jokes and doing YoYo tricks for everybody, to a standing ovation. It was one of those days that made everybody so happy to be in show biz. There is certainly no business like show business, like no business I know.

I must add, I don't think that EVERYTHING about is appealing. But yesterday was very good.

tuppence a bag

2008-05-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

The kids found a hummingbird, trying to fly with damaged wings and stuck in a bush, after what looked like a fight to the finish with one of the cats that hang around outside. Dizzy and totally freaked out, the tiny guy looked like he might not make it, but he became a Memorial Day weekend project. We had some hummingbird food and fed it to him from a spoon, and he ate like a linebacker, regaining his wits and his strength, sitting on a tree branch for quite a while before he finally took off, ready for another go at life. Ha. In your face, cat.
May we all spend this weekend regaining strength, sipping sugar water, sitting on a branch for a while, and getting ready to go out there and fight the next cat.

Standup Stonehenge

2008-05-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

The Improv in Hollywood is still the foundation of what has become the standup comedy industry, and performing there is always like going to comedy Stonehenge, walking among the tables and muttering in awe "Andy Kaufman yelled at me while wearing a fake beard, denying he was Andy Kaufman right over there!" "Jay Leno used to park his motorcycle right there, smoking a pipe at the bar when it was legal!" "Robin Williams stole another bit that I did standing right here!" Thanks to everybody at the Improv, as always, for the warm welcome and a great weekend.
No, the painting has nothing to do with the Improv. I just finished it and thought I would put it up here. It looks better than the piece of wall at the Improv that Robin Williams leaned on when he watched my show ever so carefully.

Decatur, Illinois!

2008-05-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

I just returned from Decatur, where we're filming a movie called "The Informant." Steven Soderbergh is directing it, and Matt Damon is in it, and I think that what the studio is doing is they've decided to promote the Steven Soderbergh/Matt Damon thing in a much more prominent way than they're promoting me being in it. Okay, whatever. I guess somebody just doesn't look at blogs... but they're nice guys and we're having a good time.
Decatur is farmland. Flat flatty flat flat, with corn, soybeans, and a few trees planted around farmhouses to block the wind. And what country house would be complete without a cement deer out in front? My Dad loved this stuff, but since we lived in the city and didn't have room for deer, he put a cement dog in front of our house. Brown and white paint with a couple of black spots sprayed on, until the rain finally washed off the paint and the cement started to crack. He loved that dog, though, and wouldn't get rid of it even when the tail became a dangerous re-bar spike jutting out of the lump of plaster that we had to avoid while playing wiffle ball or someone might get impaled by a decorative beagle. We finally moved out of the city to the suburbs, and a bigger lawn. What did Dad do? He went out and got a brand new dog, a clone of the original. Even when he had room for a deer, Dad decided that loyalty to a cement dog trumped the antlers of the nouveau riche.

Duet

2008-04-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

Is there anything more beautiful than a mother and daughter playing music together? Sight and sound, emotion and thrill, passion and history, warmth and love. It's very deep music, with far more to it than what we can hear. It made for a beautiful afternoon, and one day I look forward to a duet with my son. I'll hum into a comb and waxed paper, and he can bang on a coffee can. Sure, a little different than two talented pianists, but we'll have pizza afterward, which will almost make up for the lack of musical chops. I just got back from Detroit and a weekend of fun shows. The highlight of the trip was a wonderful time with an old friend, walking together and having a cheeseburger for lunch, which almost made up for the lack of musical chops.

Squadron

2008-04-11T11:27:00.001-07:00

A while ago, I wrote about losing a lot of my paintings when the Riley Arts Gallery in Manhattan Beach was completely destroyed in a fire. It was hard to lose so much work, and for a while I've been spinning my wheels, staring at blank canvases, starting a few paintings only to scrape them off or leave them half finished to paint over with white and start a different painting later. But I'm happy with this painting. It's about finished, and is 54x54". "Squadron" is its title, and before I sell it I think I'll hang it up in the house and look at it for a while.

Dayton, Ohio!

2008-03-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Dayton is one of those great American cities with an inferiority complex. The people are great, the shows are fun, but it seems that after every one, this is a common conversation:
"Loved the show, Tom! What do you think of Dayton?"
"Dayton is great! Lots of nice people!"
"What are you, crazy? I can't wait to get out of this boring hell hole!"
"...Uh...okay, well, thanks for coming!"
The comedy club is situated in the middle of one of those art directed shopping villages, a little fake town with lots of windows full of mock turtlenecks, smelly candles, and security cameras. My favorite selection was "peace" necklaces hanging next to the pocket sized cans of mace.
The weather has been cold and grey, so I'm using a photo of my wife's roses from Easter. Pretend it's Dayton. And you're happily shopping for candles and mace.

Raleigh, North Carolina!

2008-03-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

Just back from North Carolina and had a fabulous time with friends, one of whom is the Assistant Attorney General of North Carolina. Unfortunately, I didn't get any traffic tickets or entangled in a huge zoning battle while I was there, so I didn't get to use my powerful connections at all. They took me to "Cooper's" for some great "Eastern North Carolina" barbecue (there is a difference), and we had a wonderful time, hanging out and enjoying the first hints of spring on a perfect day. In Raleigh they have this cart at the hotel that serves free shampoo, soap, and pens, too. There was a broom and some dirty towels on it, but I didn't want any of them. As far as shampoo in tiny bottles, though? I'm taken care of.

William F. Buckley, R.I.P.

2008-02-27T10:10:00.000-08:00

My father was a lawyer who enjoyed coffee, smoking, and watching televised debates while screaming at the T.V. He was a smart guy, and did things like calling the White House to comment on the President's recent speeches, and writing letters to many national figures who had recently appeared on a television program he was screaming at. My earliest memories include sitting next to him watching William F. Buckley's program "Firing Line," as he guzzled coffee and I stared at the guys on T.V., trying to figure out the big words they were using, especially the guy with the clipboard. The thing was, the guy with the clipboard, William F. Buckley, seemed to be having a good time arguing with people, seemed to be friendly with the people he disagreed with so strongly, and seemed to be incredibly confident that he was right. I remember a conversation with a radio talk show host between my Dad and a tired radio hack, when my Dad brought up a point, giving credit to Mr. Buckley for it, and the host called my Dad a snob and hung up on him without listening to the point. That's when I started reading Mr. Buckley's work, a staggering number of books, including wonderful books on sailing, published journals of his massive creative output, and my favorite, a book simply titled "Nearer, my God." I heard about his death today on ABC radio, and in memory of Mr. Buckley on the day of his death, they played the audio of a debate in which Gore Vidal called him a "crypto-nazi." Some things never change.

May he rest in peace...after my Dad talks to him for a while over coffee.

Denver!

2008-02-20T18:04:00.000-08:00

Just back from a week at the Denver Improv, a beautiful venue with super people. It was warm and sunny when I got there, then we had a howling blizzard, and it was warm and sunny when I left. Strange weather, but a bunch of great shows. A highlight of the trip was my visit to Bass Pro Shops "Outdoor World," a gigantic store full of hundreds of stuffed bear, deer, bison, moose, raccoons, and a lake sized fish tank, full of game fish and catching a thundering waterfall from the second story. The raccoon above is holding a Moon Pie. I think that says it all. Well, I'm not really sure what that says, other than they have so many stuffed animals that they can shove a Moon Pie between one of its paws. Another stuffed raccoon was holding up a bucket full of "Jeff Foxworthy's Grillin' Sauce!" - I'm not kidding - but that picture came out blurry.

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

Guitar Hero

2008-02-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

Michael John Poirier is a dear friend of mine, and travels the country in an R.V. with his wife and children, singing and playing the guitar at churches and schools everywhere you can possibly imagine. When he's in Los Angeles, he stops by for a brief visit, and this one was ridiculously short, as we took out our guitars, played them together for a brief moment, and waved goodbye as he bolted out the door, off to the next concert. If you ever get the chance to see him, don't pass it up. Knowing Michael, he might be singing for two truckers and a waitress at a gas station somewhere, with all of them crying and hugging each other, so keep your eyes peeled. One day, maybe we'll have more time to play together. I know three chords, so it probably won't take up that much time.

Valentine's Day!

2008-02-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! Whenever I think of Valentine's Day, I always think of this episode of "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea," with Robert Duvall in it. Well, not every Valentine's Day, but this was on T.V. the other night, so I had to come up with a way to introduce it in the blog. I worked with Bobby Duvall in the cinematic masterpiece "Let's Get Harry," where he played a grizzled mercenary, helping some guys rescue Harry from drug smuggling terrorists. In "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea" he played a robotic alien who takes over a fake submarine full of actors in the early sixties. His performance was tremendous as an inhuman, uncaring being from another planet, though that one must have been easier to play, being so much closer to Bobby in real life and all. Happy Valentine's Day!
Love from Wilson World,
Tom

Benedictine Blizzard

2008-02-07T10:43:00.000-08:00

Benedictine College is a beautiful school in Atchison, Kansas, and I just performed a concert there, staying at an abbey full of Benedictine monks and having a ball - in a driving snowstorm! The students came out and packed the place anyway, and it was a great time in the true Benedictine spiritual tradition of stand up comedy and goofing off. I had fish and chips with a dear friend for an Ash Wednesday lunch, and slipped down the frozen streets, trying to find a four wheel drive car to get me to the airport. What a great time with such a huge number of great people. As I told the students there, I tell people I went to Catholic school and they look at me slyly, raising an eyebrow and saying "well...you know what that means! heh-heh" and I say "What, that I'm smarter than you?" Oddly enough, the students at this small Catholic liberal arts college really liked that one.
Oh, and another highlight of the trip? The new issue of "Kansas Monks" magazine. Yes! My subscription was renewed!
Love from Wilson World,
Tom

Reykjavik!

2008-01-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'm back from London, where I can definitely say I love the United States of America, except for my new love for televised women's professional indoor field hockey! One of the highlights of the trip was staring down at the world from 40,000 feet and seeing a city in the middle of the vast northern Atlantic. Who on earth would live there? Well, lots of people, apparently, including the recently deceased nutty anti-semite chess champion Bobby Fisher. It was Iceland! Then across the frozen tundra of Greenland, Baffin Bay, the Northwest Territories of Canada, which seem to be in the NorthEAST. (?) And then we headed south, miles above my friends in Edmonton, Calgary, and finally

THANK GOD IN HEAVEN

Into American airspace. No wonder so many of them hate us at the same time they want to come here. We rock. Hey, people, it's Superbowl weekend, and I'm guzzling Coca Cola, pretzels, and Lee Greenwood albums.

Hermosa Beach!

2008-01-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

Next to the most comfortable chair in my house, The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California is my favorite place on earth. A block from the beach, with its monument to surfing, and board carrying surf-dudes walking by, the club is considered "home" by a generation of comedians, and still hosts the likes of Jay Leno, Garry Shandling, Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, and a long list of famous guys who stop by to perform there all the time. I had a wonderful weekend of shows there, and, as usually happens now, regaled a room full of comics with war stories from comedy past, consciously avoiding putting dates to the goofy history for fear of some young comic saying "Whoa, bro...I wasn't even born then! What else did you do in the comedy wars, old timer?"

Yes, in those days, we didn't even have ventriloquist dummies...we had to sit on each other's laps and take turns moving our lips. There were no microphones, we just had to talk loudly and wait for the front rows to pass it back. You kids today, why I oughtta...(hitch up belt and grumble incoherently to no effect).
Thanks to the C&M club for decades of wonderful shows, and even better people.
Love from Wilson World,
Tom

Kansas City!

2008-01-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

It's impossible to have a bad meal in Kansas City because of the beef. They put slabs of Kansas City beef in everything there. Vegetarians in Kansas City have petitioned to have beef considered a sort of thick, juicy cabbage-like product. If you think about it, if you stare at a steer for long enough and they stand really still it can look as though they're growing out of the ground. Don't try to fertilize one, though. I had a wonderful time at the Majestic Theatre there, and everyone was great. The radio and T.V. interviews were plentiful and fun, and I was amazed to find out that I was the final - I mean THE FINAL guest on the historic K.C. rock station KY. They've been on the air for decades, and ... well ... right after my interview - GONE. They were turning off desk lamps and taking down Duran Duran posters as I was talking. Sorry, KY. Now it's going to be one of those disembodied computer stations called "The Boulevard," run by HAL 9000 and Lumberg. (to get the previous reference you had to have seen the movies "2001: A Space Odyssey, AND "Office Space." Sorry.)

Dome and a half

2008-01-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

At Glacier Point in Yosemite National Park, the bald guy with binoculars just wouldn't get out of my way. He is now immortalized, forever linked to the majesty of Yosemite Valley and the High Sierra. Congratulations, Morty (real name unknown).

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone in Chicago for a great bunch of shows, including a New Year's Eve blanketed in snow, a "de-icing" of the plane before take-off, and a sunny 75 degrees upon landing. A great '08 to everyone, at the end of twelve beautiful days of Christmas. At an office a few days ago, a woman very kindly offered me some "Holiday" cookies. She stressed "Holiday" even more than "cookies." It's getting rather absurd.

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style,
in the air there's a feeling of a secular observance of well being!

Let's Get Small

2007-12-28T14:01:00.000-08:00

I fear Steve Martin. There, I've said it. He's the only person in show business that I haven't really met yet, and I'm sure that if we do meet the exchange will veer way too close to Chris Farley's interview of Paul McCartney on SNL so many years ago.
Tom (sweating profusely) : You know that ...uh... arrow through your head thing?
Steve (uncomfortably) : Why, yes, I do.
Tom (after a ridiculous pause, feigning relaxation) : That was really good.
Steve Martin was just given the Kennedy Center honor by the President, and I just finished his recent book, "Born Standing Up," which I read and enjoyed very much. At the height of his popularity, Steve Martin appeared at the Gammage Auditorium at Arizona State University in 1977 and I somehow scored tickets in the third row, where I was electrified by his crazed performance as a few thousand rabid fans went bonkers. In the middle of his act, he chose me, sitting there in the third row, to stand up and speak to him. He did a stupid magic trick with me, asked me questions, made fun of my answers, and finally said "Sorry, Tom...Just havin' a little fun...at your expense."
I thought that I had accomplished all that would be necessary to consider my life a fabulous success, and would have greeted a bolt of lightning with good humor and a shrug.
Congratulations, Steve.

Edmonton!

2007-11-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

Edmonton is the northernmost major North American city, and it boasts the world's largest shopping mall (including a waterpark with a roof, a flamingo pond, and a full sized replica of Columbus's ship the "Santa Maria." ...and a Banana Republic) I performed there last weekend and had a great time, doing what everyone in Edmonton seems to do in early November - go inside the mall and get ready for eight months of winter. It's already in the teens there, with snow on the ground, and the hockey players are sharpening their skates and removing their teeth. As I've written before, I love Canada, have been there many times, and am always entertained by their friendliness, peppered by the resentment of a smaller little brother next to the giant USA. Yes! You're better than us! Yes! Down vests are an underappreciated gift to humanity! Yes! A sandwich should cost fifteen dollars! Yes! I love Canada!

Being alive

2007-10-04T12:07:00.001-07:00

Last night I performed at a benefit for breast cancer research at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California - My favorite club filled with my favorite people. The crowd was full of breast cancer survivors, doctors, nurses, lots and lots of women who have been through a lot, and the caring people who have watched them go through it. My point? These people went crazy with a kind of laughter that approached insane hysteria. It was a deafening roar of release and joy. I just wondered - does it take that kind of horrifying trip to the edge of the abyss in order to finally really let loose and laugh hysterically, seemingly without a care in the world? It was a beautiful night, and I was glad to be onstage in front of so many crazy people, as we celebrated life, and thumbed our nose at the alternative.

Twice

2007-09-17T13:31:00.001-07:00

In keeping with my habit of telling you about a cultural phenomena months after it has become "old news," I have to say that I saw the movie "Once" twice recently. It was so good I went back for seconds, and I haven't done that since...uh..."The Deer Hunter" when I was an acting student. "Once" is an independent Irish film, it's truly an independent film, not an "indie", which is usually an attempted Hollywood movie with no budget. It's truly Irish, in that it was filmed in Ireland, and it's truly a film, in which light is projected through a decorated strip of plastic. It's probably not in a theatre near you, but if it is, and you haven't seen it, go see "Once" twice. I loved it.

In remembrance

2007-09-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

Keigo Yamada on the pronoun-existence

2007-09-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

I get many letters from Japan, and this one is my favorite. I am quoting it exactly as it reads - on festive paper, in different ink colors, with many words highlighted for emphasis.

Dearest Wonderful Thomas,
Hello. How are you?
My name is Keigo Yamada. I'm twenty-two years old University student boy, living in Tokyo, Japan. This is my first letter to you.

I saw you in "Back To The Future." It was a wonderful movie which remains in the heart of people who have a better opinion of themselves and can discover their existence anew by who goes the future and the past back and forth. And depiction of "Biff" of you had released conspicuous color particularly in the world of the future, or the past world. Was depiction of "Biff" of you the pronoun-existence of this movie! It was the character which exists and cannot hate charm truly.
And the place which never makes the role 'a symbol of evil' thinks that it is a wonderful place of your performance power.
Although this movie was exhibited and remarkable years passed, your role of "Biff" is immortality eternally. You showed off the importance of many villain characters which continue behind on this movie.
In the meantime, I'd really appreciate it if you should send me your sign card. This becomes the highest for me. I have enclosed a self-addressed envelope and U.S. stamps.
Please take care of yourself and do your best from now on.

I wish you happy.

Best Wisher,
Keigo Yamada

Male and Female Rejects

2007-08-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

I took this photo in the late eighties, feeling particularly de-humanized by some stupid audition for some stupid T.V. show. These were the stacks of photos on top of a desk in the casting office. Below the desk were mountains of thousands more shots, so I guess this stack represents the actors who actually got considered by the underling of an assistant. Barbara Billingsley is a wonderful actress who was made famous on "Leave It To Beaver," and David Rasche is another actor of great talent and wide experience. Years later I met David Rasche and told him about the ugly gallows humor in this photo, and he didn't appreciate it at all. Oh well.

Hey, I didn't get the job either, my photo was probably just under his, but I think we all managed to survive.

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

DeVito Power

2007-08-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm doing a movie with Danny DeVito called "No Place Like Home" right now. We were shooting a scene today where a kid throws a fake beer bottle at a truck, shattering near Danny's head. Uh, the fake beer bottle didn't break, but solidly hit Mr. DeVito in the jaw. He was surprised, but okay, clearly tough as nails and ready for another take. Hey, it's my blog, I'll write what I want - just wanted to tell you about my day when I saw Danny DeVito get cracked in the face with a beer bottle.

And they had free snacks, so...bonus!

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

Summer of Sponge

2007-07-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

Just came from a big party at Nickelodeon Studios for the end of the fifth season of SpongeBob Squarepants, and that little sponge still has plenty of life in him. SpongeBob has really been a highlight of my career, if only because it's a great, funny show, done by great, funny people, who have great, funny parties. We had a ball, watching the kids play "guitar hero" on a rock and roll stage with a cheering crowd, and it was proof that in little corners of show biz, people who aren't surrounded by groupies and paparazzi can come together and make something truly funny, and genuinely great.

All hail SpongeBob,
Tom

Her Beautiful Hand

2007-07-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

My kids are better than yours. Yeah, I was going to be diplomatic and simply tell you how proud I am, but figured why not cut to the chase. My kids rock, and yours are probably good, too, no disrespect meant, but mine are simply sublime. And yours are good, seriously, don't get me wrong here, you have good kids, but, okay...as long as we understand each other.
My daughter is teaching developmentally disabled kids this summer, as she did last summer, teens with Autism to varying degrees. It's a job she does well, with love and care, and it's a fulfilling challenge that beats flipping burgers.
She got attacked today. Twice. One of the kids just went crazy and attacked her, two different times, scratching her arms and hands. I don't mean kitty cat sratches, I mean a wild attack causing deep scratches and cuts. My daughter handled it well, though it was upsetting to her, of course, but I was struck with what happened after that. A boy came up to her, sadly touched her bleeding scratches and said "Your beautiful hand. Oh, my dear lady...look at your beautiful hand." He traced the wounds with his finger and kissed her hand. The work that she does, and loves, has not left her unscathed, but the balm of the boy's concern helped begin the healing, along with the humor of speaking as if he were in a Shakespeare play "Oh...my dear lady..."

My second daughter is volunteering at a retreat right now. My third one volunteers to help her older sister with the autistic kids. Face it, Sparky, my kids rock.

Love and humility from Wilson World,
Tom

The Stars and Stripes Forever

2007-07-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Let freedom ring. I mean, I wish I were ringing it in a cooler neighborhood, but still, let it ring. We're experiencing that famous DRY HEAT you've heard so much about, so we're spending the fourth of July spitting in the air and watching it evaporate before it hits the ground. Good times, huh? It was approximately one billion degrees fahrenheit yesterday, so the staff at Wilson World stuffed into the tram and went to Malibu for the day. It was a sunny seventy five degrees, and we watched dolphins catching waves in the Pacific, with one wave carrying three dolphins at the same time, two jumping with the wave and one happily tumbling sideways next to them. A beautiful sight.

Happy 4th of July, from sea to shining sea.

The Eagle Has Landed

2007-06-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

"Brotherly Love" has become something of a punch line to most Philadelphians, but like so many cities on the east coast, Philadelphia is a fascinating explosion of humanity, living in, on, and around each other. It's a beautiful city, my hometown, and I love walking the streets, my mind flooding with memories of the past on every corner. The giant buildings of granite and steel still crowd the middle of Center City, but many more shiny glass towers decorated with neon borders at the top climb higher and higher, obliterating the view of William Penn on City Hall, and creating a cityscape unrecognizable from the pre-dawn backdrop that Rocky shadow-boxed thirty years ago.

It's astounding that so many old buildings have been swallowed by retailers. The golden eagle above, symbol of freedom and our nations liberty, carved and gilt a century ago, now hovers above an entrance for a "Sharper Image" store. Yes, my fellow Americans. "Liberty!"... "Freedom!"... "Massage Chairs!"... "Air Purifiers!" Graceful marble staircases and polished brass railings lead up from the street and into a ..."Staples." Oh, such effort by craftsmen of so long ago to build stone buildings that would stand the test of time, only to have ink cartridge sale posters hanging from carved marble gargoyles.

I elegantly strode into Staples like a 19th century banker, and bought a dozen of those Pilot Varsity disposable fountain pens. Yes!! I've been looking for those things everywhere!

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

My hometown

2007-06-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way to Philadelphia, cradle of Liberty, and hometown of myself, Jack Klugman, and Sylvester Stallone. Need I say more? Don't mess with Philly. I'm performing at "Helium" and looking forward to many great shows, and many great soft pretzels from WaWa. I'll be doing lots of radio shows, where they'll ask me questions about Paris Hilton, waiting for me to trash her.

I think I'll just say "Well, as Saint John of the Cross put it - "It is great wisdom to learn how to live quietly and look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others." Those morning zoo guys love stuff like that. Whoo!

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

As it is in Irvine

2007-06-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

I've just seen a magnificent play called "As It Is In Heaven," at the small black box theatre at U.C. Irvine. It's about a community of Shaker women, full of very well done music, tremendous performances, and a spartan, yet completely satisfying production. It's the best play I've seen in a very long time, and I see a lot of plays. Most of them stink...there, I said it. I've seen several thousand bad plays in my lifetime, and several thousand terrible performances that were much more a sitcom audition for casting people that might be sitting in the audience than a gutsy, connected performance of that specific role in that specific play. And since theatres are having a hard time selling tickets anymore, there are two major audience demographics left. These contrasting demographics either want to see "The King And I," starring Loretta Swit, or "Heather Has Three Daddies, the musical!"

Congratulations to the U.C. Irvine theatre department, and young people who are hungry to perform intelligent, gutsy theatre, not "edgy" pablum. "Edgy" is the new "boring."

Little League Dad Rules

2007-05-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

Though I sat on the bench for two seasons, and got cut from every other baseball team I ever tried out for, I know something about baseball, because my son is in Little League.

1) That low outside pitch that the ump called a ball was a strike moments ago when my son was at bat.

2) It is not possible that the opposing pitcher is under twelve. I swear I saw him drive here.

3) Though I was never good at baseball, how could that kid at third base miss that?

4) Though they won the game and I like their parents, that doesn't keep me from hating them.

5) The ump is literally blind. He simply must be. Seriously.

6) So far, my son has never been "out" per se, he's only been "called out" by those who resent his talent and the sex appeal of his father.

7) Uniforms being as expensive as they are, it is acceptable to wear a brown leather belt and a trucker hat with the team jersey.

8) Equipment being as expensive as it is, the manufacturers who charge 200 dollars for a child's bat will drown in shallow water and be cast into Gehenna by a just God.

9) Snack bar drinks spill very easily when held over your pants at a 45 degree angle by someone else's kid.

10) Win = cheer + pat on back, Loss = ice cream + pat on back.

Winning is cheaper.

Love from Wilson World,

Tom

Tom Poston, R.I.P.

2007-05-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

My favorite line in his obituary is "in his youth, he was an acrobat with "The Flying Zepleys."

Tom Poston died yesterday, and now I'm not only jealous of his talent and humor, but I'm green with envy that he could say that at one time he was an acrobat with "The Flying Zepleys!"

He was a great guy. In olden times, I was the warm-up comedian on the show "Newhart," with Bob Newhart, Mary Frann, and a wonderful supporting cast, including Tom Poston. I was a very young comedian, probably in over my head, but Tom was among the nicest men I've ever worked with in my life. He was always kind, always funny, and always seemed to be one of those guys who get the joke: "...hey...I get to make people laugh for money! Whoopee!"

He worked on a million shows, including early television, doing hysterical "Man on the Street" interviews with Steve Allen, and creating sketches that generation after generation, including mine, still write, perform, and think they originated.

Before I met Tom, when I saw him on T.V. I would smile, waiting for something funny to happen. After I met him, the smile got bigger.

May God bless Tom and all of the Flying Zepleys.

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

Kurt Vonnegut, R.I.P.

2007-04-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Like every writer and comedian, I must record the passing of the patron saint of modern irony, Kurt Vonnegut. He died a week or so ago, and the hordes of detached, smirking ironists have to say farewell. Yes, I read Vonnegut along with everyone else in the seventies, and after the first one or two books, bought and devoured everything the man ever wrote afterward. And I loved them. And I loved him...Until the ironic edge became sharper, and his smile was only for his author photo, because it was slashed out of his writing. It's always sad to me when an ironic smile becomes jaded, and suddenly it's not irony at all, but a bitter sneer.

I found the bitter sneer a sad end for him. He's certainly not the first person to get crankier and crankier in his later years because nobody seems to be listening closely enough. But it was a reminder to me that life goes on no matter what I think about it, and I can only do my best to be kind, and good, and funny, so I might as well try to keep my chin up.

"Life is short, misery sure, mortality certain, but on the way, why not carry those two inflated pig bladders labeled zest and gusto." - Ray Bradbury

Pow...WOW!

2007-04-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

Just back from Tempe, Arizona, where the Improv hosted me for a week of shows, while across the parking lot, a huge number of Native Americans were having a pow-wow, singing and dancing, and beating drums long into the night, celebrating their culture, and their heritage, and the fact that they all drive big S.U.V.s and fill the parking lot of the Improv so that nobody can find a place to park for Tom's show.

But they were here first, so the nomadic settlers searching for laughs parked across the street at an Applebys or somewhere, and crossed the big cement path in their polo shirts and cargo pants to celebrate their culture with beer, buffalo wings, and comedy.

May we all share the great parking lot together.

Love from Wilson World,
Tom

The Tense Generation

2007-03-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

The story made the cover of LOOK magazine in 1963. "The Tense Generation" is all about a generation of American teenagers who were aimless, apathetic, hanging out, wearing the uniform of blue jeans and white socks, destroying property and wasting their lives. Here are a few quotations from August, 1963:

"Across the country, from cities down to small towns, a novel note of tension, even of danger, has lately been added to the normal strains of life. It's as if a new population element had seeped into residential America, at odds with the old settlers and implacably determined to show its malice."

"To describe those who engage in these and many similar activities, it is necessary to use a terrible judgement: They are the 16 year old failures in American life."

"Many come from middle class, or even well to do homes. Their common denominator is that they have lost their way."

"Affluence itself is part of the problem."

"Experience shows that once normal middle class values are relaxed, the descent is rapid. The National Education Association has noted that there is a curious tendency these days for middle class youths to imitate the slum dweller, to speak his language, to wear his clothes, to act as they imagine he acts."

That was 1963, during the Kennedy administration. Keep your chin up, because a sixteen year old in 1963 is now 60 years old. Next time you see Grandpa, ask him why his generation was so tense, destroying things and making nothing of themselves.

Even a 16 year old tense failure like me can pull it together...

...eventually.

Love from Wilson World,
Tom